I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
