I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
