Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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