turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
