Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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