I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
