I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The adults are the big ones right?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
