you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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