If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
