The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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