It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
