drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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