3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
