Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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