How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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