I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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