And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
