I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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