Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
