Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I haven't been this sober since birth.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
