I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
