so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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