Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
