i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
