I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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