I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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