if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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