i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?