When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
