Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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