Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I have feelings that need drinking.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
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