GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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