Don't make out with my wife yet
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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