I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
