smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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