So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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