Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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