I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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