The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
