I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
