My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
