please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
