I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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