So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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