i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
