i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
