Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
