dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night