She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.