my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
