broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
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Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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