The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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