She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
