You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
