So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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