i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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